God's Tapestry

Several year ago I worked with a couple helping them decorate their Williamsburg style home. As an interior designer, I often have the opportunity to learn about many beautiful and historical decorative items and this job was no different. In my search to fill a wall in their sitting room, I found a very large oil painting on canvas. The painting was a pastoral scene and hung unframed. I learned that this piece was called a "tapestry cartoon."

Tapestry cartoons were created as models for a woven tapestry. They were huge full scale paintings and by the mid-17th century were done mostly in oil on canvas. The design of these cartoons was used to produce actual woven tapestries. A transfer process that was quite harmful to the cartoon itself allowed artisans to reproduce the cartoon image onto the tapestry. For that reason, tapestry cartoons are a rare commodity.

Although extremely beautiful, these cartoons are not dimensional. They are flat representations of what will soon be a multidimensional product. Only through the process of destroying the cartoon and weaving multiple threads together in a variety of colors and fibers, can a truly magnificent tapestry be created. 

We can look at our lives as the journey of a tapestry cartoon. 

When I married and thought about having children, I had a very distinct and rigid picture in my mind of what my life and my children would be like. Over-achievers, ballet dancers, football quarter backs, all A students, with impeccable manners, clear skin, straight white teeth and the ability to fly- just kidding, but you get my point! This version of my life is what I now refer to as a "tapestry cartoon." A flat and unrealistic view of what I thought our lives were supposed to be. 

Because when my children came along and brought with them no desire for hair bows, no interest in ballet, found more joy in playing in mud puddles than having tea parties, would rather design computer avatars than play football, and could never remember to say "Yes ma'am," I realized that the joke was on me. Like a cartoon, this life tapestry that I had created in my mind now evoked a humorous and sometimes confused and angry response on my part as I looked at what I thought life would be like versus God's plans for me and my family.

Thankfully, over time, I have realized that God has a beautiful sense of humor and that He knows much better than I do what is really important in life. Through the hands of this Master Weaver, my tapestry cartoon was destroyed. But in His infinite wisdom, I now have a tapestry that is much more intricate, beautiful, interesting, and meaningful than a cartoon imitation. Through His hands of grace, I have children who are developing character, perseverance, and a love of Jesus Christ. They are creative and intelligent. They are multidimensional in every way, from my daughter's ADHD and dyslexia, to her desire to own and operate a farm, and to be an artist and a teacher. From my son's shyness and lack of organizational skills, to his quest to research history, find treasures, experience new and exciting things, and follow his dream of becoming a pilot (maybe he'll fly after all!). The threads God has planned for my children are being continually woven into a tapestry of His divine making.

In my humanness, I could never have orchestrated or imagined this tapestry. If you had described it to me earlier in my life, I might have said I wanted no part of this weaving lesson. But I am slowly learning that only our Creator can take our lives, with our stands of fine silk and rough cord, and weave them into beauty. And although we may not realize the beauty initially, as we stand back and take a look at the bigger picture, changing our focus from the slubs of one thread to the glorious image of thousands of threads woven into a masterpiece designed by Him, we can see the glory of His creation.  

The even lovelier thing is that His weaving skills do not stop with one person and then start with the next. Instead, we are all woven together into a magnificent and colorful tapestry; each connected to the other, allowing us the opportunity to encourage and support one another through this journey we call life. 

We never know how our lives will turn out. Our plans have a way of becoming flat and meaningless when we compare them to the depth and texture of God's plans. We can't begin to understand how what we perceive as tragedy can turn into something meaningful, a true blessing. But God understands. This is the beauty of the Master Weaver and His divine tapestry.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:28 NLT

Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy, Down in my Heart!

Dear Mommy, Daddy and of course...Bert!

I miss y'all sooooo much but that's not gonna stop me from having a lot of FUN! I have friends too!

I love y'all! 

Having a great time! SA

Summer Camp. I remember it with such fondness. Meeting new friends, camp fires, hokey songs, cafeteria food, and the outdoor adventures. Even the bad parts hold fond memories: scorpians in my shoes, a homesick friend, bug spray, and not wanting to leave when Mom and Dad came to pick me up. Seems like camp is just a typical rite of passage for most kids.

But for kids with invisible disabilities, camp can be a scary place. Both for the kid and for their parents. Counselors who are often young and don't understand the nuances of our children's differences, as well as cruel judgement by peers are valid concerns for families of these children. It is important to research the camps and their philosophies before sending our kids off on this summer adventure.

This year, I treaded slowly and carefully into the camp waters. After speaking to several friends who have sent their own girls to this particular camp, I began to feel a level of comfort about letting Sara Ashley go. Then, as I read the medication dispensement instructions, I felt even better. Blister packs were required (no possible mix ups) and medications were given by a nurse each morning and evening. Finally, after receiving a very detailed questionnaire asking me about my child's personality, likes, dislikes, and pretty much anything else that I could possibly impart to them about her, my comfort level went from a 5 to a 9. This camp truly seemed to care about my child and her ability to have a positive experience!

After these findings eased my mind, together Sara Ashley and I made the decision for her to go to camp. She was both excited and apprehensive. Making preparations for the week brought an intentional process. Although the camp suggested packing in several small duffel bags, I knew that this was a recipe for disaster for my child. I could visualize clothing from both bags scattered all over the floor of her room as she searched for that perfect shirt she wanted to wear. Instead, I packed her in one large and very organized suitcase. Once opened, everything could be seen at a glance. We reviewed everything in the case and how it was to be used, stored and discarded until we picked her up. We talked about the logistics of taking her medicines, the use for each toiletry item, and every other detail I could think of to prepare her for her week. Although she seemed exasperated with my demand that she slow down long enough to listen to this information, I know that in the long run it was helpful to her.

For the first time ever, I dropped her off into her dorm without having a long conversation with the staff about her ADHD and dyslexia. This transition is due,  in part, to her age, and to the preparatory efforts of the camp. As SA matures, I am beginning to rely on her to voice her own needs and reveal her own differences if she feels that she needs to do this. In the past, I don't think she was mature or verbal enough to advocate for herself. This is a scary but necessary step for us.

Despite the comfort level that I had attained prior to camp, I did worry. As each evening approached, I worried about her ability to fall asleep. This is often hard for her active mind and body. Each morning, I awoke to concerns about her ability to make friends who would accept her for who she is (wonderful, energetic and playful!!). And each day I prayed for her well-being, both physically and mentally.

By the end of the week, I was very ready to see my sweet girl! Arriving at camp, she quickly introduced me to her new friends. I was overjoyed to see that they sincerely liked Sara Ashley. I was also thrilled to hear from some of her counselors who told me of her positive attitude and sweet nature. 

Driving home, I asked Sara Ashley if she had shared her learning differences with her new friends. Not that she needed to, but my curiosity just got the best of me. This is what she said:

"They asked me why I was so wild. I told them that I have ADHD," she shared. "They told me they were so sorry for asking." This she said with a bit of amusement in her voice and a cute smile.
"I told them, 'No, it's OK! It's part of who I am, and it doesn't bother me at all!'"

Thank you Lord, for this child who accepts herself just the way she is. I know that she will face future challenges that may cause her to doubt her self-worth, but for this moment in time, I am thankful. May you continue to use her to teach me and humble me. Because of your works in her life, and in mine, I've got the JOY down in my heart. . .to stay!

Even in the Valleys

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

I recently read an article in Compassion Magazine, a publication by Compassion International. This wonderful organization is responsible for spreading the love of Jesus Christ throughout the world through their child sponsorship program. The article was titled, Highly Vulnerable. Highly Valued. It shared the story of a young boy named Erick who lives in Ecuador. His diagnosis of Bardet-Biedl Syndrome earned him the label of a "highly vulnerable child" in Compassion's terminology.

This heightened vulnerability stems from the fact that  his diagnosis is considered a "social death sentence" in his culture. See, unlike children in the United States who live with disabilities, those in foreign countries are often considered cursed by their family and others in society. And they are frequently abandoned by the very ones who should be loving and caring for them.

The heart break that we should all feel for these children can only be mended by the hope of a loving God who can help them in their circumstances. Thankfully, there are several groups who minister to this population including Compassion and another group called Cause 4 Life, part of the Joni & Friends International Disability Ministry. Many of you may remember Joni Eareckson Tada as the lady in the wheelchair who paints with her mouth. As a teenager, Joni suffered a diving accident that left her a quadriplegic. Since that accident, Joni has been God's biggest champion for people throughout the world living with disabilities.

Below is a Youtube video from Cause 4 Life that I wanted to share. As you watch, note the change in the mother of these two young boys who both have the disability of cerebral palsy. Imagine the sorrow and pain she has endured while watching others in her own community shun her children. Thankfully, through God's love she has renewed hope and help in her circumstances. 

How can we help a hurting world? How can we show our own special children that they are perfect in God's eyes? By sharing His love with them, we can heal their hurts and renew their hopes. One child at a time, through God's Holy Spirit in us, we can make a difference in this world.

Happy Dance!!

We all have days when we wonder how successful we are at raising our children. Are we giving them the guidance they need to make the decisions that will shape their future? Are we placing them in environments that will foster self-worth? Are we working to insure that they know the importance of humility and a servant's heart? Are we teaching them about respect for their elders? And how are they being affected by the things that we can't always control, like their peers, and the media?

The other day was one of those days when my heart did a BIG happy dance. Some of these questions that I often ask myself were answered in the form of notes written by Sara Ashley for her teachers' end of the year appreciation luncheon. I had been asking Sara Ashley to write these notes for three days and I was a bit frustrated at her procrastination, but the results certainly made them worth the wait. They gave me a wide peek into my child's heart and soul. They also revealed much to me about her feelings for her teachers, her school, and her own self-worth.

Here is some of what she wrote:

"You have been such a great teacher and you push us so hard in a good way! Your pushing us so hard this year has made it to where I've learned a whole bunch! Thank you!"

"You are the best principal! You work so hard for us! Thank you for that. Everyday you raise your hand in lunch and I emetley (immediately) pay strate etenchen (straight attention)!"

"Everyday is a blessing for me coming to the school you created for kids like me! Thank you for looking out for us! Even though we're different, you make it to were (where) we love being us!"



It brings me joy and peace to know that my child is receiving such wonderful instruction, guidance and nurturing in her school environment. Saying that it takes a village to raise a child is not an understatement. There are so many factors beyond our control that play into our children's upbringing. This can be scary for parents! And while real world conflict can create resiliency in a child, I find it very comforting to know that my child feels loved and accepted in her school environment. I think this is especially important for a child with disabilities, where school can often be a place of fear and dread. Recently I saw a quote that gave me great insight into what it must be like to have a learning disability. It reads:

“Imagine going to work and not being able to do your job. Now imagine that you can't leave your job. Imagine having to do that every day. This is what life is like for children with learning disabilities."

Dr. David Urion
Director, Neurology and Learning Disabilities Program,
Children's Hospital, Boston

I can't imagine the frustration that kids with learning differences must experience on a day to day basis. So to know that my child's school environment is not adding to that frustration is truly a blessing. More importantly, to know that her school is encouraging her and elevating her to be a person of true character is like the cherry on top of an ice cream sundae!

Finding the right school for each child is an important part of parenting. Someone once reminded me that our children spend more awake time in school each weekday than they do in their own homes. What an eye-opener! This certainly magnifies the importance of choosing the best school environment possible. So if you haven't found the right fit, don't give up! There are schools out there for each child's learning style and temperament. Public schools, Charter schools, Magnet schools, Private schools and even home schooling are all options. And don't let a price tag keep you from exploring. Many schools offer scholarships for students and families who desire to help their children. Don't forget about the Special Needs scholarships that are offered in certain states too. These can often cover partial or entire private school tuitions.

Our kids are counting on us to provide the parenting they need. They are our future! And we owe it to them to find a place where they can learn their best AND feel that they are accepted and loved for who they are and who they aspire to be.

A Life Perspective

The past few weeks have brought the busyness of the Spring season. My interior design work had a surge with three deadlines culminating the same week and, of course, the end of the school year activities are in full swing! I relish this time of year because of the changing season, blue, sunny skies and the chance to watch the kids celebrate their school year successes. However, I must admit that I have had little time to write and I feel a bit disconnected from the book and stories that God has shared with me through so many wonderful parents and others who work with and love children experiencing life challenges. As the school year comes to an end, I hope to be able to remain focused and make more progress with my writing and sharing with others. The last few months have shown me the importance of continuing this journey. God is asking, He's got a plan, and I am determined to stay focused on His assigned task. When I am immersed in this "work" I experience so much JOY...why would I want to leave that undone?

As you have probably noticed, my posts about kids who face life challenges have all come from a parent's perspective. Most of the kids I have written about are still under the age of 13 and are either not fully aware of their differences or are not yet able to fully reflect on how their challenges affect their lives. However, today I want to share with you a post from a precious young woman. In her own words she shares how dyslexia has affected her life. Her story is honest and raw and you will be touched as she shares the pain and joy she has experienced.

Rachel is 22 years old now but I have known her from the time she was born. She is the daughter of David, our Minister of Music and JoAn, one of the Associate Pastors at my church. Watching Rachel grow up, I saw a shy and quiet girl who participated in the music programs at the church. What I didn't know was the struggles she was going through and the battles she was fighting. After reading her story, it is helping me as a parent and I am humbled by her determination and faith walk. God has and continues to help her through her challenges; a constant and loving source of hope and courage for her. I am thankful for her faithfulness to Him and her ability to be grateful through her circumstances. Currently, Rachel is working as an intern for Rick Bonfim Ministries. Her work for RBM includes designing/updating their website (www.latterain.com), travelling to Brazil to Rick's Mission in Niteroi, and doing whatever else they ask of her.



Here is her story:

My name is Rachel Kinrade and I am 22 years old. I was diagnosed with Dyslexia when I was in Elementary school in second grade. It has definitely not been the easiest road, but with the help of God and my family I have learned to move on and get passed the diagnosis. (And live with it you can say) I can say now that it was quite a struggle! I attended public school from elementary school all the way through high school. I was in special education classes from second grade through fourth grade. When I got through fourth grade the teachers decided to take me out of special eduation, so I could be a “normal” fifth grader to get me ready for middle school.

From a very young age I struggled with school. I never was a good test taker, I didn’t have any friends, I was always the shy or quiet girl who would never say a word in school. And by a word, I mean a word! I would NEVER say anything in school, I was very very shy. The teachers noticed that I didn’t do well on test at all and that I was struggling and not comprehending a lot of material. My mom was a elementary school music teacher at the time and that’s when they decided for me to get tested for some type of learning disability. I went through a series of long and hard test, kind of like a standardize test if you will. I remember that day very well and everything about it. It was definitely traumatizing as a 7 year old. I was a very mature kid I did very well in school and just didn’t do well on test. I was too young to know what was going on, but now looking back at it having dyslexia and being defined as a child with a learning disability really hurt me growing up. Not being in an environment that understood was hard. I grew up holding back and keeping a lot of my feelings and even emotions inside. I didn’t ever express myself. I ended up not knowing how to act around other kids, because I wasn’t around them in the classroom. Felt very alone growing up and like I had no friends. I was so confused. Of course now looking back I see how much I have grown so much in this process, as a person and how it has helped me become who I am today.

I had many accomplishments throughout middle and high school. I learned how to cope with my dyslexia. My mom would talk to each of my teachers every year before the term started. Some would make accommodations and some would not. Some would be the best teachers and help me and some would be very rude about it. I got used to those…But I did the best I could and would work extra hard. I would spend three to four times longer working on assignments and homework as “normal” kids. No one understood while I was getting special treatment in classes and no one seemed to understand. But did that stop me? No! When working on homework and school work I would get extremely frustrated and angry at myself. I would get mad at myself, because I would not understand my work, I wouldn’t remember how to do the math problem, or I couldn’t comprehend a story I read. I would think to myself often, “Why are you like this? Why can’t you do this work by yourself like normal kids”, Why do you always need help?”

I got all A’s and B’s all through middle and high school. And I even graduated with honors from high school in 2009. I surprised my parents the night of graduation! I found out graduation morning that I reached my goal of graduating with honors. That tells you what someone can do if they put their mind to it.

Another big mile stone for me was graduating from the Art Institute of Atlanta in December of 2011. I graduated with my Associates degree in Culinary Arts degree with concentration in baking and pastry. I could not have gotten through without my family and me walking in Faith and Trust with God on my side.

I am not saying it was easy, but I am saying it is possible. Everything is possible with God. God has been my main supporter in all of this and my learning process. I was longing for a relationship with Him from a very young age even growing up in church. I leaned on Him even if I did not know what that meant. My parents also supported me. They would spend hours with me every night working through my homework with me and helping me. They believed in me like no one else! They were the best! Kids so much lean on there parents for support and help. All the kid wants is to be “normal” and feel important. That’s what my parents did for me. They always cared for me and wanted the best for me. They wanted to help in anyway possible. I know it was tough for my mom. It was hard for her to find common ground in fighting for me, doing everything she could and then deciding when it was a good time for me to jump out on my own. But she did great! 

I currently am an intern at a Mission organization in Athens, Ga. (Rick Bonfim Ministries) I absolutely love it and know that this is my call from God on my life. He has brought me through many hard times and that has brought me closer to Him. God has definitely brought me through this hard struggle of being a child and young-adult with dyslexia. He helped me realize that I did not have to go by Rachel who has dyslexia. I was Rachel, I was my own person and I didn’t have to be identified by dyslexia. Dyslexia does not identify who I am! I pray that my words encourage you and give you hope! God bless you! I will leave you with my favorite scripture that I turn to everyday and that helped me more then ever through this whole process:

Philippians 4:13 (NIV) “I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength!”

When asked what gifts Rachel feels God has given her to help her surpass her challenges, she shares that music, faith perseverence, compassion, caring and a servant's heart are a few. Here are her thoughts:

Gifts that surpass the challenges: 

1. I would have to say Music has helped me surpass the challenges. Having music and being in band in middle and high school and choir through church helped me cope with my learning disability. Music to this day helps me express myself and who I am as a person. If I didn't have music I don't know where I would be in life! 

2. Faith: Something that I've learned over the years is to have faith! I keep having to remember that we just have to walk in Faith and Trust! But mostly having faith can help you get through any situation! Remember: You just have to have faith the size of mustard seed! 

3. Perseverance: I learned to take each second, minute, hour, day at a time. I couldn't get through without doing this. But I did worry a lot growing up. and without looking at it this way, I would have NEVER gotten through and done things that I did. 

4. I feel as if God has blessed me with many gifts, but I would say the ones that mean the most to me are compassion, caring, and servant heart. I care SO very much for other people. That is who I am and how God created me to be. 

I am immensly grateful to Rachel for sharing her story with me and all of you. It takes courage to share and be transparent. I am also thankful to learn from Rachel. Although this journey began as an opportunity for me to share our story and how I see God working in it, I am finding that God has many plans beyond that. He is teaching me so much through others, how they have responded to their situation and what He has done in their lives. I have a lot to learn and am blessed with some great people to learn from!

 

The Great Debate

Despite what you will read here, my son Robert brings great joy to me! He is a handsome young man with a passion for airsoft, picking (aka collecting junk), trivia and The Walking Dead. He is also the KING of debating! He began this at a very early age. I've often wondered how he acquired this skill as he seems to have come out of the womb with it. Only just recently did I realize that just maybe he learned a little bit of it from me. ;)

For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome.

1 John 5:3

My son is a great debater. He seems to have been born with this talent as he has been using it against me since he was all of 2 years old.

“Put your clothes up Robert,” I tell him.

“But Mom, I’m not going upstairs until later, can I just do it then?” he’ll challenge. “And why put them up anyway?” he asks. “I’m going to wear them tomorrow?”

And on it goes. I ask, he scoffs. I demand, he argues. I beg, he pleads his case. I must admit, he comes up with some pretty good reasons why things should be done his way and not mine. Sometimes it even makes me stop and think, maybe he’s right?  And then I remember, hey, I’m the parent here and he’s the child! He should obey me- not question what I say.

My handsome debator

Does this sound familiar to you? After thinking about it for awhile it began to sound way too familiar to me! Me? A debater? Well…maybe the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Here’s how it all too often goes…God asks me to do something that doesn’t fit into my perfectly planned day and I argue, “But my schedule is tight. I don’t have time to have a conversation with that person.”  Or  “It’s not on my to do list to stop by and speak to that friend, even though we haven’t talked two in weeks!” 

And I implore, “How can You expect me to accomplish all of the things on my list and still find time to do these things too?”



Recently, I found myself at the paint store. As usual, I was in a hurry, multi-tasking and trying to meet a deadline. I walked in to pick up some samples while talking on the phone to a client and noticed a local painter friend sitting at a table.

“Hi.” I mouthed. And he quietly returned my greeting. After talking on the phone for several minutes while collecting my samples I was ready to head out the door.

“Stop and talk with him”, I suddenly heard in my head. “But I’m in a hurry!” I argued. “I have a list a mile long that I MUST complete and…well…OK…” and I turned to speak.

While I can’t say that the world’s problems were solved from our conversation, it was so nice to simply catch up with him for awhile. He is a godly man and even offered me some advice that I found very comforting and timely. And I received this blessing only because I listened to the Spirit's nudgings and obeyed.  I have to wonder, how many more blessings might befall me or others if we just listen to God instead of arguing with Him?

I know that my son and I will continue our debating for many years. I truly think that one day this skill will be helpful to him. Maybe we have a future prosecutor on our hands? But as for me, my arguing days are dwindling as I listen and try to follow God’s nudging to seek and obey His will and direction for my life.

God, please help me to slow down and listen for your promptings and to remember, Your ways, not mine. Amen

But he said, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it!”
Luke 11:28

Join Me in a Journey

Over the past thirteen years I have had the honor and joy to be a mom to my children and to truly appreciate what each of them brings into my life and into the lives of others. One special joy has been seeing how God has used my daughter, Sara Ashley. She has opened my eyes to the world around me and has shown me how to accept the challenges that life hands each of us with a smile and a positive attitude. As many of you know, Sara Ashley has dyslexia and ADHD. She was diagnosed when she was only five and because of this early knowledge we have been able to utilize many services to help her strive to reach her full potential. God continues to show me that this potential is limitless. Through God’s work in Sara Ashley, she has made me a better person.

I believe that many people struggle with fear and despair when they see their children or loved ones suffering, struggling or facing daunting challenges. I know that each of us often needs encouragement from our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to try to understand the challenges in our lives.

For that reason, and with the encouragement of my husband and friends, I am in the beginning phases of writing a book that will give glimpses into the unexpected gifts that we receive from these special children or people in our lives. People who have been dealt harsh challenges to their physical, mental or emotional health, but who have taught us that life is about far more than what the world perceives as their limitations.

The purpose of this blog is to chronicle the journey of writing this book and the stories of the people God is placing in my path along the way. Already, I have found many, many kindred souls who, like me, are living with children who face life challenges. And they are hungry and eager to share their stories of hope. All will agree that while the journey certainly has heart ache and pain, joy does come in the morning. That each of our special children brings us blessings in ways that we never expected.

My prayer is also that, through sharing, God’s blessings and gifts will be magnified and He will receive all the glory.

I look forward to sharing this journey with each of you.

Love in Christ,

Christi Estes

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

Fear

We all have it, right? In some form or another every one of us has fear. Fear of heights, fear of public speaking, fear of failure... the list could go on and on.... Fear can be a healthy thing when we use it the right way, but if we let it control us we are not living the life that God intends for us. 

Hebrews, Chapter 13 verses 5 & 6 say:
For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we may boldly say: "The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?" 


Sounds good in theory, right? But putting it into action is another thing altogether...

For as long as I can remember, fear has been a part of my life. In my teenage years I suffered from a bout of depression based on my fear of leaving home. I had to come back from college for a year to beat that one. Then a year into my marriage I had another round with fear. This time it was physically debilitating. Anxiety consumed me and I was unable face normal everyday activities for weeks. Thankfully, a loving family and husband helped me through that time. And after several years of cognitive therapy I really thought I had it all figured out. Feed the fear and it will starve you, starve the fear and you will live. But, in truth, I still lived in fear. I handled it much more gracefully, I didn't have panic attacks anymore and nobody else would have ever suspected it, but I still had fear.

These fears that I had would not sound irrational to most people. Fear of disappointing others, fear of not doing everything perfectly, fear that I wasn't who people thought I was, fear for my children, just plain old fear. They were ordinary, everyday kinds of fears, but they kept me from living the life God desired for me. And even though I functioned quite normally, fear was robbing me of my dreams and of the joy in which God meant for me to live.

 

Thankfully, about three years ago, God began to calm my fears. At a Christian retreat I learned about God's all-consuming love for me. I know, I know, I'd heard it a million times. But I had never fully experienced it or connected my head knowledge with my heart. And finally I did! It was at this time that I allowed God to start helping me work through my fears and I began living my life with intention.

I can't say that I'm always successful at it, but I try my best to make choices every day that are not based on avoiding the things that scare me or make me uncomfortable. After all, God uses those things to help us grow! Instead, I try to base my decisions on the most important things that God lays on my heart. And that's where this journey comes in to play.

Five years ago, I would never have had the courage to take this journey. And boy would I have missed a lot of wonderful blessings! From the people I'm meeting, to their stories of hope with their wonderful children. Fear would have prevented it all! I also recognize that my experiences with children and families who face life challenges have increased my courage. To see how they bravely face their circumstances and to see how God is faithful to their needs is an inspiration to me. This strengthens my faith in Him and with strengthening of faith, comes lessening of fear. 


Maybe God is calling you on a journey of your own. Will you answer His call? Don't let fear keep you from following Him. Remember, when you are walking with God in obedience fear goes out the window and courage and faith take its place. 
I promise that you will surely be blessed. But more importantly, you will also be a blessing!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13



Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Thanks so much for your prayers and messages yesterday! Sara Ashley woke up at 3 am with a fever of 104. We dosed her with ibuprofen and her fever seems to have broken. I'll be calling the doctor back today. This is the 15th day of school my sweet girl has missed this year and I am not happy with it. I'm going to request to have some blood work done so we can make sure there's not more going on than the obvious.

Yesterday I shared with you some of the complexities of dealing with adhd. You also got a glimpse of the pain and frustration I often feel about this disorder. It's real. I have a love/hate relationship with it.

Today, I have been digging in my archives. I came across this devotion that I wrote a few years ago. The timing was good. I needed to read this again to help me realize that it's not all bad. I thank God for His help in giving me a new perspective and I thank my friends and family for their support when I inevitably experience anger and grief.

It's all about choices. Thankfully, with Him, JOY can come in the morning.

Devotional written 2/2011. God was already preparing my heart for this journey...

Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.                                                                 Romans 12:6-8

Sara Ashley 2011

My daughter, a dark haired beauty, has an incredible talent for art, an athletic build for swimming and a heart of gold. She is known for her giving spirit and her sweet nature. She also has the “gifts” of adhd and dyslexia. And ALL of these combined traits make her the wonderful person that she is.

This hasn’t always been so easy for me to profess. And admittedly, I sometimes still have trouble accepting the issues that surround her diagnoses, but, through the grace of God, I have learned to look at the bigger picture and it is mighty big!

During one particularly trying period of time, I begged God to take away her differences and make her “normal”, like most every other child we know. Couldn’t He see that her adhd made it difficult for her to remember things, difficult for her to sit still in her seat and even kept her from being able to concentrate on the daily tasks at hand? Didn’t He know that her dyslexia meant that she had to suffer through endless hours of phonics tutoring, difficulty with reading comprehension and just plain difficulty with reading in general? My mind screamed, “Isn’t this cruel and unusual punishment for a little girl??” My anger would often get the best of me and I would implore for God to “cure” her of these differences that sometimes make life difficult for her.

It was during one of these challenging times that my husband came to me with the words that I needed to hear.

“Honey, all of these things make her who she is. And she is so very special just the way she is.”  A few simple words that made such a tremendous impact on my way of thinking.

The same hyperactivity that makes it difficult for my daughter to sit still in her seat also gives her the energy to endure challenging swim meets. And the same issue that makes it difficult for her to decode words gives her the ability to look at things differently and with a unique and artistic eye.

God has made my daughter wonderfully (Psalm 139:14), His workmanship created her to do good works for Him (Ephesians 2:10). She is not defined by her differences or strengths, rather these combined traits give her the ability to lift, serve and teach others, glorify God and to just be the special person that she is.

May we each remember this about all of our special children!

v  Lord, You are the perfect Creator. Help me to remember the many gifts that you bestow upon each and every one of us. Amen

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139:1-16

Sick

Well, today is day three of poor Sara Ashley being home sick. It started Monday morning with a fever of 101 and today we are still there. She woke up this morning, burning hot, fever of 101.9. This despite the fact that I took her to the doctor on Monday afternoon to get checked for strep throat, flu or any other treatable illness. While I did leave with an antibiotic for a bacterial sinus infection, at this point I think we are looking at something viral that only time will cure.

Whenever SA gets sick, it is always a struggle to figure out what to do about her adhd meds. See, without them, her hyperactivity and impulsiveness make it difficult for her to rest. But with them, unless she is dog sick, the stimulant mediciation also makes it difficult for her to rest. Monday and Tuesday I gave them to her. She always does better with consistency in her medications- prevents rebound, breakdowns, feelings of lack of control on her part- but she did not rest at all either day. So today, I'm going to try and see how she does without them. My hope is that she'll sleep most of the day and be able to re-build the strength that her body needs to fight off this yucky sickness.

Dealing with adhd is not an easy task. Admittedly, Sara Ashley's diagnosis of adhd upset me MUCH more than her diagnosis of dyslexia. There is a stigma related to adhd in our society. It says that these kids are just undisciplined, unruly and that they have a choice about their "bad" behavior. The fact that science has proven that their brains show a physical difference from a "normal, average" brain is often overlooked because of the behavior often associated with the diagnosis. And the medication issues are just heartbreaking to me. I still struggle with giving my child a stimulant everyday. Yes, I DO realize that this medication keeps her from having a healthy appetite. Yes, I DO realize that if the dosage isn't just right she goes into zombie mode. And yes, I DO ALSO realize that if she didn't take it she would be unable to focus on her schoolwork and classroom teaching as she does now (trust me, we've tried) despite the small class setting and specialized teaching that she is receiving at her wonderful school. And I also realize that her hyperactive and impulsive behavior, though not destructive, would be socially unacceptable by many of her peers and the other adults around us.

So here we are, she's sick, I'm tired, and I am praying that God will allow her hyperactive little body to slow down and repair itself. I know that God's got my back in this and that she WILL be fine. I will find strength in Him.
I'm just tired...and a little sad. Say a prayer for my sweet girl if you get a chance.

A Refiner's Fire

"For He will be like a refiner's fire or a launderer's soap...He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver. He will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver. Then the Lord will have men who will bring offerings in righteousness, and the offerings of Judah, and Jerusalem will be acceptable to the Lord, as in days gone by, as in former years." Malachi 3:2b, 3-4

The last seven years have been years of refining for me.
God is our refiner. He prepares His people for useful service by taking them from rough stones, purifying them and making them into gold and silver. Sometimes, it takes high levels of heat to completely rid us of our rough edges and sometimes just the warmth of a sunny day. Whatever the case, when He is finished with us, we are always better for it, shining in His light.

I'm a fairly intelligent person. I have always had a gift for spelling well, and what I lack in common sense, God has made up for in book sense. Many things do not come naturally to me, but if I study them long and hard enough, I can get the job done. Over the years I have become very self-sufficient and can take control of and handle most situations. I am a "get 'er done" kind of girl.
However, along with these attributes come the problems. Pride, self-reliance, disdain for other's perceived shortcomings, disappointment in the decisions of others if they aren't like my own, rigidness to change and even feelings of superiority. Certainly not the attributes desireable by our loving God, or anyone else for that matter!

It has only been over the lasts seven years that I have begun to see the error of my ways. And really only over the last three years that I have begun to surrender, allowing God to have His way with me. Breaking down my pride, my issues with control and shaping me into a person more interested in being His servant than a dictator. Although everyday isn't a success, it's a goal for me to stay fully connected to Him, shaped by His loving hands. So what made the change, you ask?

The answer is simple and complex and the same time. As we all know, life has a way of showing us that we aren't nearly as smart and in control as we thought we were. So this is certainly one of the reasons. But the main reason I have surrendered to Him is because He has opened my eyes to grace and humility through my daughter Sara Ashley and through the many children I continue to meet who face life challenges.

As I have watched these kids handle life on  a daily basis, with struggles as well as triumphs, I have begun to notice that, despite their learning differences and challenges, their attitudes remain positive and their contributions to this world are far greater than correct spelling and book smarts. I have been humbled through my interactions with them. Their wonder of the world around them, their kindness to others, their ability to see things with a different perspective, and their sweet spirits have taught me that life is about so much more than high marks, accolades, and worldly success. These are the traits that Jesus desires to have in His disciples and I can certainly take a lesson from these children.

God is refining me, day by day, into a mold that is pleasing to Him. And I am wax in His hands.

Lily

With her head full of corkscrew curls and her warm smile, Lily will win you over the minute you see her. I have the honor of attending church with this sweet little girl and watching her bring joy to every task she performs and to everyone she meets.

As Lily's mom, Wendy, will tell you, "I cannot be anything but joy-filled when I am with her!"
Along with this joy, Lily also faces the challenges that come with her diagnosis of Turner Syndrome.

Ts is a chromosomal disorder that only affects girls. It occurs in one out of every 2500 births and is responsible for 10% of all miscarriages. Only 1% of Ts girls are born alive. Lily's life is a miracle! Sadly, in many countries outside of the United States, parents of Ts babies are encouraged to have abortions. Despite these odds, girls with Ts who do survive live long and meaningful lives, contributing greatly to society. (You might recognize a Ts lady on NCIS Los Angeles - Linda Hunt.) Lily's birth to Christian parents in the United States was a life-saving gift from God.

Lily has already endured heart surgery to repair her aorta and kidney surgery to repair a blockage. She also receives growth hormone treatments as small stature is a common symptom of Ts. Regular doctor's appointments include visits to her cardiologist, endocrinologist, and urologist, not to mention her pediatrician. But in spite of these challenges, Lily's life is happy and joy-filled. She is a true testament to our God who is "mighty to save," (Zephaniah 3:17) which also happens to be Lily's favorite song! (Hillsong)

Recently Lily's mom, Wendy, was sharing with me that Lily has the gift of healing. Through her actions and her words she offers compassion and love to anyone who is hurting. God has given her the ability to identify those who are in pain. Whether it is emotional pain or physical pain, she recognizes it. When she comes in contact with someone in pain, Lily is quick to hover over them and pray for them immediately. And she always remembers them in her bedtime prayers too. This ability to understand and recognize other people's pain is unusual for a child with Ts. Often these girls have a hard time reading social cues and understanding emotions. But not Lily. God blessed her with this ability and she uses it to glorify Him. 

I thank you God, for Lily. She is a gift and a blessing from You. Her contributions to this world are immense and her joy is a  testament to Your love. Thank you for Your healing hand in her life and for the healing that she passes on to others. Amen.

You can learn more about Lily in the upcoming book "Unexpected Gifts."



All in for HIM

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of wonderful encouragements by God. As I have sought out contributors for the book, "Unexpected Gifts", I have already met many, many people who desire to share stories of the blessings they have received from and through their special kids. These wonderful parents are an inspiration to me and I know that you will be blown away by their stories of hope, encouragement, and the limitless love of God through their circumstances.
Funny how life works. You go years and years without even realizing that an entire population exists and then you reach out in faith and BOOM, the flood gates are opened! Have you ever had this happen to you?

This past week I had the opportunity to share such an occurance at Sunday School. Lewis Jackson, one of my teachers, taught a few classes about how the Holy Spirit works in and through us, speaking to us if we will listen. His lessons were about hearing God's voice, hearing the enemy's voice and how to tell the difference. One great thing about this class is the willingness of people to share their experiences. Lewis asked if anyone wanted to speak and several told inspiring stories. After some hesitation, I also shared that I would be writing a book.

"I know, I know...pie in the sky idea," I told them. "But God layed it on my heart and I HAD to listen and obey." Truth be told, obedience is not always so easy for me but for some reason, this time was different. Maybe it was his recent teachings that encouraged me to follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I certainly knew that this project had the potential to bear fruit. Or maybe it was the encouragement of the my husband and friends. Whatever the reason, I could not say no. Have you ever felt the strength of God's request for you in this way? So powerful, that you just could NOT let it go??

I also shared with them that the minute I began the formal steps of writing the book, I clearly heard the voice of the enemy. I had just hit "Send" on the email to potential contributors when the taunting began.

"You have no idea how to write a book Christi! What in the world do you think you're doing?? You don't have the skills, the brains or the connections. Even if you do write the book, who will publish it? Who will even want to read it?"
Sound familiar? We all hear it sometimes. But this time I recognized it for what it truly was. The enemy. Still, fear clouded my brain and I struggled to stay focused on my assignment from God. 

But guess what? Within a few short hours of hearing these voices of doom and gloom, God showed up in a mighty way, opening doors that I had not even known existed!
Emails from friends and acquaintances wanting to contribute their stories to the book came pouring in. Words of encouragement were shared from people who have their own special kids and KNOW how a book like this can help other parents. And unknown connections with publishers and writers willing to help me edit the stories were offered.

This is not the end of the story. It is only the beginning. Daily, I continue to hear from parents about their special children, their faith in God and their gratefulness in being able to share their stories. This is about a community of believers sharing how God has blessed them through these amazing children. This is about a God that loves us so much that He shows us His gifts when we least expect them. And this is about giving our thanks and praise to HIM.

God is undoubtedly reassuring me this is the journey He wants me to take. Perhaps He has one in mind for you too. You just need to take that next step in FAITH. 
In receiving these confirmations from Him, my resolve to continue has taken full flight.
Hebrews 13:20-21 empowers us telling us, "Now may the God of peace...make you complete in every good work to do His will."
God will equip me for this task, I am certain.
And I'm all in for Him!