Connecting the Dots

It began about three years ago. Bear with me, it's a long story, but I think it's a good one.

I was reading "Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul" in bed one night and came upon a story entitled "Welcome to Holland." Considering what we were experiencing with Sara Ashley, the story was very relevant to me and I found that it gave me a greater perspective of our circumstances. I also copied it and sent it to a young couple who was expecting a child with Down Syndrome, hoping it would help them too. It would be a few years, but in His time I would find out God's plan to use this story again, connecting the dots in my life to the lives of others and to His purposes for me.



Fast forward three years to this January. In an earlier post about a little girl named Emery Claire, I told you about spending time in a chapel with her grandmother, Sophia. We shared our experiences with our children, our fears and struggles, but also our joys and triumphs. And she told me about this precious little granddaughter of hers who is bringing such joy to their lives. I was also prompted to share with her the story I had read three years before, "Welcome to Holland." At the time, I simply felt that I was sharing out of my knowledge. I would soon find out that I was sharing from a prompting by the Holy Spirit. Although I didn't realize that this story was written by a mother of a Ds child at that time, I knew that it would help Sophia as it had helped me. 

After the weekend retreat, she went home and found that she already had the book "Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul" in her home library. She read "Welcome to Holland" and had the same reaction as I had. She went on to use the story in a speech she will give to a group of ladies on another Christian retreat.

Just a few weeks later, God began laying on my heart the desire to write a book. He assured me of the comfort it would give others, just the way He had and continues to comfort and uplift me and Sophia through things like the story, "Welcome to Holland." He opened the doors for this project, connecting dots to other parents who shared this vision. Everything was coming along grandly until one evening when I read a post by another parent of a child with life challenges. Her post caused me to question this project. I was panicked by a fear that I was trying to make other's pain and heartbreak into a pretty package with a bow on top. Was I travelling down the wrong path? Had I misread God's instructions for me?

I soulfully shared my doubts with several close friends, asking for their advice, and waited for their response. Quickly, emails began shooting back and forth.  Words of encouragement, words of love, and words challenging me to stay on my path.

"Life is about choices," one friend shared. "We all have many pains and struggles. How we look at them and respond to them makes all the difference. I want to find joy and Jesus in my sorrow and struggles ... I want to see with His eyes and become more like Him!"

From another friend, "Everything we go through makes us stronger and better if we go through it with the right attitude and with our eyes in the right place." 

And from my loving husband, "I do not believe for a moment that you are trivializing anything.  What you are writing will inspire families that are looking for hope. Search your heart for direction but listen only for God's promptings."

Then I received a message that gave me the greatest clarity possible, sending chills down my spine. Remarkably, God had connected the dots from three years earlier all the way to that very confusing night. In my doubt and distress, He confirmed for me His blessing on my journey:

"Ever read this before?" my friend asked. You guessed it, the attachment was "Welcome to Holland." Thank you Jesus!

"Welcome to Holland"

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.



The Great Debate

Despite what you will read here, my son Robert brings great joy to me! He is a handsome young man with a passion for airsoft, picking (aka collecting junk), trivia and The Walking Dead. He is also the KING of debating! He began this at a very early age. I've often wondered how he acquired this skill as he seems to have come out of the womb with it. Only just recently did I realize that just maybe he learned a little bit of it from me. ;)

For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome.

1 John 5:3

My son is a great debater. He seems to have been born with this talent as he has been using it against me since he was all of 2 years old.

“Put your clothes up Robert,” I tell him.

“But Mom, I’m not going upstairs until later, can I just do it then?” he’ll challenge. “And why put them up anyway?” he asks. “I’m going to wear them tomorrow?”

And on it goes. I ask, he scoffs. I demand, he argues. I beg, he pleads his case. I must admit, he comes up with some pretty good reasons why things should be done his way and not mine. Sometimes it even makes me stop and think, maybe he’s right?  And then I remember, hey, I’m the parent here and he’s the child! He should obey me- not question what I say.

My handsome debator

Does this sound familiar to you? After thinking about it for awhile it began to sound way too familiar to me! Me? A debater? Well…maybe the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Here’s how it all too often goes…God asks me to do something that doesn’t fit into my perfectly planned day and I argue, “But my schedule is tight. I don’t have time to have a conversation with that person.”  Or  “It’s not on my to do list to stop by and speak to that friend, even though we haven’t talked two in weeks!” 

And I implore, “How can You expect me to accomplish all of the things on my list and still find time to do these things too?”



Recently, I found myself at the paint store. As usual, I was in a hurry, multi-tasking and trying to meet a deadline. I walked in to pick up some samples while talking on the phone to a client and noticed a local painter friend sitting at a table.

“Hi.” I mouthed. And he quietly returned my greeting. After talking on the phone for several minutes while collecting my samples I was ready to head out the door.

“Stop and talk with him”, I suddenly heard in my head. “But I’m in a hurry!” I argued. “I have a list a mile long that I MUST complete and…well…OK…” and I turned to speak.

While I can’t say that the world’s problems were solved from our conversation, it was so nice to simply catch up with him for awhile. He is a godly man and even offered me some advice that I found very comforting and timely. And I received this blessing only because I listened to the Spirit's nudgings and obeyed.  I have to wonder, how many more blessings might befall me or others if we just listen to God instead of arguing with Him?

I know that my son and I will continue our debating for many years. I truly think that one day this skill will be helpful to him. Maybe we have a future prosecutor on our hands? But as for me, my arguing days are dwindling as I listen and try to follow God’s nudging to seek and obey His will and direction for my life.

God, please help me to slow down and listen for your promptings and to remember, Your ways, not mine. Amen

But he said, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it!”
Luke 11:28

Fear

We all have it, right? In some form or another every one of us has fear. Fear of heights, fear of public speaking, fear of failure... the list could go on and on.... Fear can be a healthy thing when we use it the right way, but if we let it control us we are not living the life that God intends for us. 

Hebrews, Chapter 13 verses 5 & 6 say:
For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we may boldly say: "The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?" 


Sounds good in theory, right? But putting it into action is another thing altogether...

For as long as I can remember, fear has been a part of my life. In my teenage years I suffered from a bout of depression based on my fear of leaving home. I had to come back from college for a year to beat that one. Then a year into my marriage I had another round with fear. This time it was physically debilitating. Anxiety consumed me and I was unable face normal everyday activities for weeks. Thankfully, a loving family and husband helped me through that time. And after several years of cognitive therapy I really thought I had it all figured out. Feed the fear and it will starve you, starve the fear and you will live. But, in truth, I still lived in fear. I handled it much more gracefully, I didn't have panic attacks anymore and nobody else would have ever suspected it, but I still had fear.

These fears that I had would not sound irrational to most people. Fear of disappointing others, fear of not doing everything perfectly, fear that I wasn't who people thought I was, fear for my children, just plain old fear. They were ordinary, everyday kinds of fears, but they kept me from living the life God desired for me. And even though I functioned quite normally, fear was robbing me of my dreams and of the joy in which God meant for me to live.

 

Thankfully, about three years ago, God began to calm my fears. At a Christian retreat I learned about God's all-consuming love for me. I know, I know, I'd heard it a million times. But I had never fully experienced it or connected my head knowledge with my heart. And finally I did! It was at this time that I allowed God to start helping me work through my fears and I began living my life with intention.

I can't say that I'm always successful at it, but I try my best to make choices every day that are not based on avoiding the things that scare me or make me uncomfortable. After all, God uses those things to help us grow! Instead, I try to base my decisions on the most important things that God lays on my heart. And that's where this journey comes in to play.

Five years ago, I would never have had the courage to take this journey. And boy would I have missed a lot of wonderful blessings! From the people I'm meeting, to their stories of hope with their wonderful children. Fear would have prevented it all! I also recognize that my experiences with children and families who face life challenges have increased my courage. To see how they bravely face their circumstances and to see how God is faithful to their needs is an inspiration to me. This strengthens my faith in Him and with strengthening of faith, comes lessening of fear. 


Maybe God is calling you on a journey of your own. Will you answer His call? Don't let fear keep you from following Him. Remember, when you are walking with God in obedience fear goes out the window and courage and faith take its place. 
I promise that you will surely be blessed. But more importantly, you will also be a blessing!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13



Where Do You Find Your Pleasure?

There once was a girl who sought all of her pleasure and fulfillment in her accomplishments. From the earliest times she could remember she was always seeking approval. At the tender age of 7 she got up early one morning to scrub the floors like "Cinderella" hoping to gain her parent's praise, only to be told not to scrub too hard lest she would scrub the pattern off the linoleum. She was crushed, but not beaten. She continued on this path through her school days seeking to gain accolades from her academics and dance teachers and anywhere else she could find it. And she was often successful. She was a gifted learner and dancer earning lead roles in recitals and awards for her scholarly success. How did she feel, you ask? She felt good at the moment of success, but that soon faded and then the striving started all over again.

Approval was like a drug to her. She sought it out wherever she could find it. Working to please, striving to gain. But, strangely, with each new achievement, her confidence did not grow. It simply sought more and more praise. Finally, the fear set in. That it would never be enough. There would never be enough praise, enough worldly gain to satisfy her need for approval. And life took on a hazy cast that caused disappointment, depression, anxiety, and loneliness. There has to be more, she thought.  But what?

If you haven't figured it out yet, that girl is me. And I know that I am not alone in this story. Sadly, many of us readily fall into this trap. The world tells us that the more we accomplish and the more we gain, the happier we will be. Well, I'm here to tell you, it's a lie. No amount of fame, fortune, glory or money will ever completely fulfill you.

Have you ever heard the expression "God shaped void"? This is what I had- a God shaped void in my spirit that could never be filled with worldly gain. Praise didn't fill it. Awards were not the right shape. And money left the void empty too. Only God could fill that void.

Paul tells us in Philippians 3:7-9
"Whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him..."

Slowly, through the journey of my life, God began to fill my void. He did it gently and with love. Easing me into a new life, helping me overcome my fears and filling my void with His presence. He showed me that I am loved just for who I am, not for what I do or what I accomplish. He allowed me to rest my body and my mind. He lovingly cradled me like a child and allowed me to rest in Him. He also opened my eyes to the important things. Not the trophies, the big salary, the second home and the praises of man. These things feel good at the time, but there is no lasting peace or pleasure in them. He showed me that only through Him and His Son, Jesus Christ, could I find true fulfillment.

It is so easy for me to backslide in this crazy world of ours. But daily, if I am in tune with Him, He continues to show me the farce of seeking worldly praise. His love is unconditional, not based on worldly ways. This need for receiving accolades by man is hard work. We humans are very fickle creatures! Man's love is conditional and selfish.

One of the main ways He has shown me the lie of seeking worldy gain and approval is through my special child and other special children around me. Though many of these kids aren't listed on their school honor roll, aren't the fastest runners or the kids who receive the most awards, they are each winners in God's eyes. No one can tell me that my daughter's best efforts in reading don't mean as much just because she doesn't score at a high-ranking reading level or that the loving hug from a Ds child is any less meaningful than winning a state-championship. These acts and accomplishments, though not often recognized by an award, are just as meaningful to God as the biggest prize known to man. And if they are done in obedience to God or in honor of Him, they are more meaningful than any worldly accomplishment.



God puts life into perspective for us one day at a time. Will we be open to receiving His direction? Seeking to be the "least of these" instead of the first in line? Will we realize that striving for worldly success is NOT what life is all about? Only if we do this will we be able to fill that God-shaped void, allowing Him to bless us with the unexpected but promised gift of His all-consuming love.

A Refiner's Fire

"For He will be like a refiner's fire or a launderer's soap...He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver. He will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver. Then the Lord will have men who will bring offerings in righteousness, and the offerings of Judah, and Jerusalem will be acceptable to the Lord, as in days gone by, as in former years." Malachi 3:2b, 3-4

The last seven years have been years of refining for me.
God is our refiner. He prepares His people for useful service by taking them from rough stones, purifying them and making them into gold and silver. Sometimes, it takes high levels of heat to completely rid us of our rough edges and sometimes just the warmth of a sunny day. Whatever the case, when He is finished with us, we are always better for it, shining in His light.

I'm a fairly intelligent person. I have always had a gift for spelling well, and what I lack in common sense, God has made up for in book sense. Many things do not come naturally to me, but if I study them long and hard enough, I can get the job done. Over the years I have become very self-sufficient and can take control of and handle most situations. I am a "get 'er done" kind of girl.
However, along with these attributes come the problems. Pride, self-reliance, disdain for other's perceived shortcomings, disappointment in the decisions of others if they aren't like my own, rigidness to change and even feelings of superiority. Certainly not the attributes desireable by our loving God, or anyone else for that matter!

It has only been over the lasts seven years that I have begun to see the error of my ways. And really only over the last three years that I have begun to surrender, allowing God to have His way with me. Breaking down my pride, my issues with control and shaping me into a person more interested in being His servant than a dictator. Although everyday isn't a success, it's a goal for me to stay fully connected to Him, shaped by His loving hands. So what made the change, you ask?

The answer is simple and complex and the same time. As we all know, life has a way of showing us that we aren't nearly as smart and in control as we thought we were. So this is certainly one of the reasons. But the main reason I have surrendered to Him is because He has opened my eyes to grace and humility through my daughter Sara Ashley and through the many children I continue to meet who face life challenges.

As I have watched these kids handle life on  a daily basis, with struggles as well as triumphs, I have begun to notice that, despite their learning differences and challenges, their attitudes remain positive and their contributions to this world are far greater than correct spelling and book smarts. I have been humbled through my interactions with them. Their wonder of the world around them, their kindness to others, their ability to see things with a different perspective, and their sweet spirits have taught me that life is about so much more than high marks, accolades, and worldly success. These are the traits that Jesus desires to have in His disciples and I can certainly take a lesson from these children.

God is refining me, day by day, into a mold that is pleasing to Him. And I am wax in His hands.

All in for HIM

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of wonderful encouragements by God. As I have sought out contributors for the book, "Unexpected Gifts", I have already met many, many people who desire to share stories of the blessings they have received from and through their special kids. These wonderful parents are an inspiration to me and I know that you will be blown away by their stories of hope, encouragement, and the limitless love of God through their circumstances.
Funny how life works. You go years and years without even realizing that an entire population exists and then you reach out in faith and BOOM, the flood gates are opened! Have you ever had this happen to you?

This past week I had the opportunity to share such an occurance at Sunday School. Lewis Jackson, one of my teachers, taught a few classes about how the Holy Spirit works in and through us, speaking to us if we will listen. His lessons were about hearing God's voice, hearing the enemy's voice and how to tell the difference. One great thing about this class is the willingness of people to share their experiences. Lewis asked if anyone wanted to speak and several told inspiring stories. After some hesitation, I also shared that I would be writing a book.

"I know, I know...pie in the sky idea," I told them. "But God layed it on my heart and I HAD to listen and obey." Truth be told, obedience is not always so easy for me but for some reason, this time was different. Maybe it was his recent teachings that encouraged me to follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I certainly knew that this project had the potential to bear fruit. Or maybe it was the encouragement of the my husband and friends. Whatever the reason, I could not say no. Have you ever felt the strength of God's request for you in this way? So powerful, that you just could NOT let it go??

I also shared with them that the minute I began the formal steps of writing the book, I clearly heard the voice of the enemy. I had just hit "Send" on the email to potential contributors when the taunting began.

"You have no idea how to write a book Christi! What in the world do you think you're doing?? You don't have the skills, the brains or the connections. Even if you do write the book, who will publish it? Who will even want to read it?"
Sound familiar? We all hear it sometimes. But this time I recognized it for what it truly was. The enemy. Still, fear clouded my brain and I struggled to stay focused on my assignment from God. 

But guess what? Within a few short hours of hearing these voices of doom and gloom, God showed up in a mighty way, opening doors that I had not even known existed!
Emails from friends and acquaintances wanting to contribute their stories to the book came pouring in. Words of encouragement were shared from people who have their own special kids and KNOW how a book like this can help other parents. And unknown connections with publishers and writers willing to help me edit the stories were offered.

This is not the end of the story. It is only the beginning. Daily, I continue to hear from parents about their special children, their faith in God and their gratefulness in being able to share their stories. This is about a community of believers sharing how God has blessed them through these amazing children. This is about a God that loves us so much that He shows us His gifts when we least expect them. And this is about giving our thanks and praise to HIM.

God is undoubtedly reassuring me this is the journey He wants me to take. Perhaps He has one in mind for you too. You just need to take that next step in FAITH. 
In receiving these confirmations from Him, my resolve to continue has taken full flight.
Hebrews 13:20-21 empowers us telling us, "Now may the God of peace...make you complete in every good work to do His will."
God will equip me for this task, I am certain.
And I'm all in for Him!